Five for Friday – All time favorite atheletes January 27, 2006
Posted by hallelujahhatrack in Lists, Sports, Uncategorized.add a comment
Five all-time favorite athletes:
- Reggie Jackson
- Roberto Clemente
- Walter Payton
- Cal Ripken, Jr.
- Michael Jordan
Five runners-up:
- Doctor J
- Brooks Robinson
- Len Bias
- Rick McLeish
- Magic Johnson
I never read this in Ranger Rick magazine January 27, 2006
Posted by hallelujahhatrack in Funny, Kids, Uncategorized.add a comment
Max’s third grade class had a field trip yesterday. Maybe you can’t call it a field trip – all they did was take a ‘nature walk’ on the trails that run through the woods behind the school.
His teacher brought in some nature expert guy lead the trip and apparently he discussed various things with the kids. Among the topics discussed was the fecal matter of the various animals that live in these woods. You know, stuff like how to tell what the animals eat and how healthy they are by looking at the droppings.
The homework assignment following the nature walk was to list a few things that they learned. Number one on Max’s list was:
“After a while poop turns white”
That about sums it up.
Scandanavian Tacos, please. January 26, 2006
Posted by hallelujahhatrack in Funny, Kids, Uncategorized.add a comment
While preparing to pack lunches this morning I noticed something on the kids’ school lunch menu that struck me as amusing. One of the items being offered by the elementary school culinary staff was “Mexican Tacos”.
Now this by itself wouldn’t be funny of it weren’t for the fact that none of the other items – for today or any other day for that matter – were described by their national affiliation. Fish and Chips are described with no mention of Great Britain, and Teriyaki chicken is not “Japanese Teriyaki Chicken” and Pizza is simply “Pizza” with no mention of Chicago, New York, or Italy for that matter (although I’m sure on the days when French Bread Pizza is offered some type of apoplexy might kick in if they were to have to identify country of origin).
Why give sole props to our neighbors south of the border? I don’t know. Perhaps it’s that Tacos need deeper explanation than Foot Long Hot Dogs. Perhaps Tacos need more identification than Macaroni and Cheese.
Perhaps they just don’t want the kids to confuse them with Norwegian or Australian Tacos.
Maybe.
Daisy Cutter Justice January 20, 2006
Posted by hallelujahhatrack in Politics, Uncategorized.add a comment
Can we just drop a few dozen Daisy Cutters along the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan and be done with it?
What will it hurt? No one lives there except a few sheep, this idiot, and his band of merry men – all of whom are afraid to show their faces (the terrorists, not the sheep) unless it’s on a video that a goat herder took to Al Jazeera via donkey.
The good that comes out of it is that we don’t have to hear him run his mouth on all of the cable news channels every 13 months.
Is this what happened to Pete Best? January 19, 2006
Posted by hallelujahhatrack in Funny, Kids, Music, Uncategorized.add a comment
My boys (especially Max) have decided that they are going to start a band with the two boys across the street. This has become all consuming to them, to the point that it’s gotten annoying to me.
They hold membership in the band over each others’ heads and will drop the gloves like Dave “The Hammer” Schultz if one of the other band “members” throws them out of the band for any sort of behavioral infraction.
Max: Adam, I don’t want to watch ‘SportsCenter’, I want to watch ‘Jimmy Neutron’!
Adam: Too bad, I had the TV first.
Max: It’s my turn with the big TV! (ie: 55 inch screen)
Adam: Go watch your show in the kitchen. (ie: 13 inch screen)
Max: If I can’t have the big TV then you’re not in the band!!!
Adam: (delivers a haymaker to his brother’s right temple)
Now, I feel it necessary to point out that of the four boys in this ‘band’, aged 5, 6, 8, and 8:
a) Can not read music (one of them can’t read much of anything at all)
b) Can not play an instrument – unless you count the three recorder lessons that the two third graders have had at school (however, many quasi-famous recording artists have not let this get in their way. Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice come to mind)
c) Do not have enough musical ability among them to do the whistle-blowing part in the middle of Led Zeppelin’s “Fool in the Rain”
Why can’t they just go outside and throw acorns at girls like we used to do?
I thought that Sammy Davis, Jr. was the Candy Man? January 17, 2006
Posted by hallelujahhatrack in Politics, Uncategorized.2 comments
As we do every year on King Day, my boys and I spent the morning at a celebration event listening to various people – adults and children – deliver speeches and sings songs that remind us of what a great man Dr. King was, and still is. All of this good will was in vain thanks to the ubiquitous jack ass in New Orleans.
OK, I used to think that Ray Nagin was simply incompetent – you know, the Peter Principle at its finest. The fact that he had a five day head start to get a Katrina evacuation plan in place (I’m sure they get The Weather Channel in New Orleans, at least he must have heard something about it on the news…) is immaterial, he and his cohort in the governor’s office should have had such a plan in place within one week of their swearing in. Common sense, isn’t it?
Apparently instead of creating a plan to saves the lives of the people who were stupid enough to elect him, he decided to pull a Pat Robertson and spend the time pretending to speak to God. Why is it that when people screw up (ie: Mayors of major cities and death row inmates) they always turn to God to throw a cover over their guilt like he is some type of Almighty Magic 8 Ball?
Nagin: God, I really screwed up the whole Katrina thing and ended up killing thousands of people in the process.
The voice in Nagin’s head that he thinks is God: That’s OK, Ray. It’s not your fault. It’s the fault of the federal government.
Nagin: Oh really, how so?
The ‘God’ Voice: Oh Ray, they shouldn’t be fighting a war that will keep terrorists from killing innocent people and in turn brining hope to the crappiest place on the globe.
Nagin: They shouldn’t?
The ‘God’ Voice: Of course not, we could use a 9/11 every few years. It’s great for TV ratings.
Nagin: Thanks for you understanding, God. I feel better now.
The ‘God’ voice: No problem my son. And Ray…?
Nagin: Yes, Sir?
The ‘God’ Voice: If you get some time today, will you go rent me a copy of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”?
What should have been a great day of celebration, remembering, and action was negated by Mayor Wonka. How does this guy still have a job?
One step forward, two steps back.
Paper or plastic? January 13, 2006
Posted by hallelujahhatrack in Funny, Uncategorized.add a comment
I’m always amused by people – whose jobs require them to wear a name tag – who think that they have the ability to change corporate policy. I’m double amused that these folks have their conversations in front of customers – like there is an invisible wall separating them from the public.
I was at a local grocery store yesterday and while I was checking out was privy to a conversation between the checker, adorned in black sweat pants and topped with the requisite green smock, and the bagger, whose makeup made her look like Lady Elaine Fairchild from “Mister Rogers Neighborhood”.
Checker: We need to have a break more often!
Bagger: Yeah, they make us work too long.
C: My back can’t take all of this standing up.
B: I need a smoke.
C: If they don’t start giving us more breaks I’m calling the corporate office. This is for shit.
B: You should call!
C: Hell, they won’t do anything about it.
B: If enough people complain they will. You should definitely call.
C: Yeah, I’ve decided that my back is more important than this job. I need more breaks or I’m going to the hospital.
B: Call them tomorrow.
C: I don’t know the number.
B: Look it up on the internet.
C: I don’t have a computer.
B: Wait, I think the number is on our paycheck.
C: They’re hearing from me tomorrow. This has to end.
Now, what you really ought to do is the following:
- visit your local chiropractic professional
- make a conscious decision not to wear sweats to work
- purchase, and use, some combination of Nicorete gum and NicoDerm patches
- come to the realization that the corporate office doesn’t give two craps about your aching back or your 2 pack a day habit
- figure out that your job, in the grand scheme of things, is not altogether important- you can be replaced if you’re not happy there
- find a job that you actually like so that I don’t have to listen to someone piss and moan while I’m paying for my Fruity Pebbles
But where is Max? January 11, 2006
Posted by hallelujahhatrack in Kids, Uncategorized.add a comment
A few people have asked why Adam gets more attention in this blog than his brother Max does. There are a few pretty good reasons for this. First of all, Max is much quieter than Adam (hell, Lincoln Financial Field during an Eagles/Cowboys playoff game would be quieter than Adam…). Secondly, Max is more introspective and less extroverted – perhaps this is because he – like the rest of us – has to take a back seat to Adam’s overly “gregarious” manner.
During a conversation yesterday between two of my close friends – and relayed to me later – it was discussed that Max will perhaps eventually need to go for therapy due to the lack of attention paid to him in these writings. That was very humorous, especially since the two people who engaged in the conversation are prime candidates for the proverbial “couch time.” You know, it a whole big people-who-live-in-glass-houses thing…
Anyway, I explained to one of these chuckleheads, I mean gentlemen, that my boys are two very different people – in looks, actions, and personality. Adam, with his dark eyes, hair, and complexion, is athletic, entertaining and funny and, more than anything else, he forces himself on everyone regardless of what I say or do so I just go with the flow and don’t fight it (my apologies if that last part sounds too similar to an old Bobby Knight explanation of something else…). Max, on the other hand, has light hair, eyes and fair skin, and is quiet, sweet, artistic, and very insightful.
My final explanation was that Adam is a gift that I share with the world, and Max is a treasure that I keep to myself.
I once had the opportunity to speak at the retirement party of my high school art teacher, Kurt Bittle, and told the group in attendance that one of the main things that I learned from Kurt had nothing to do with art, but rather how to deal with people. In essence, to be fair, you can not treat people equally. Rather, you must treat them first as the individual that they are and second as they deserve to be treated. I am constantly attempting to drive this point home to my boys.
That being said, and because my health plan doesn’t have very good mental health coverage, I will begin to make an effort to include more of Max’s exploits in the future.
